It has been almost a year since I updated this blog. Longer then that with a post about my life rather then a letter to my little one. It is amazing what a year can mean in a life. Since my dad got sick and passed, I have known that any month, year, day is not to be taken for granted, but I think, in the 7 years since he passed, that I somehow forgot that. And unfortunately, God decided it was time to remind me once again that there are bigger things in life then all the little things I was stressing over thinking were so important...when they weren't.
When I had my baby, I felt my entire world change. It was as if I had finally found my purpose in life, which I had been searching for for quite some time. I felt like I knew how to be a mom and it came so naturally and was so much what I had hoped for. Although I will not lie and say it was not also a struggle. The changes that came from have a baby were unexpected and I had no idea how to handle them. I lost my "freedom" to do what I wanted when I wanted. Her schedule was now my schedule. There was no midnight runs to the grocery store by myself, no heading out in extremely hot or cold weather...no more time to myself for a long time. And, there was NO sleep. I struggled. A lot. Especially after month 4 or 5 when her nursing habits changed and she started waking up every hour and a half. And it kept happening. For months. I believe I probably struggled with a bit of post partum depression. But that is another post. But, it is part of the reason I stopped posting here. I was feeling tired, sad, out of sorts, and didn't want to admit that I might not have been the best mom in the world. I didn't want to be judged, which seems to happen so frequently to moms by other moms. But I digress.
I've found myself in the past year, struggling with old fears and demons. Trying to lose the baby weight brought back many insecurities I thought I had banished 10 years ago or so. But again, that is another post.
Of course many things have happened on our farm as we continue to learn, grow and experiment with new things.
The biggest thing that happened in this year, was beyond life changing. I lost my mom. Just as I was beginning to feel that life was looking up, that I was moving past my grief from losing my dad, that I was appreciating my mom so much more because I understood what it meant to be a mom...God decided he needed her more then I did. It has thrown me into a whirlwind of emotions the last 8 months. Many times I have wanted to write about what I am feeling...but even that is too hard. Lately, I've felt that I need to get it out because it is not helping to keep it in. So here I am, writing again. It may be sporadic. It may not be fun to read, but it will be from the heart and an honest reflection of what I am feeling.