Friday, December 30, 2011

Into the Darkness

I feel it happening again. Pulling me down and into the never-ending, deep abyss. I don't know how to fight it...don't know if I want to. Don't know if I will be able to claw my way out. It scares me, but it scares me even more that I almost don't care anymore if I stay there.


Drea said...

Hey Heather. I'm not going to say I know how you feel because we each have had our own thing that pulls us down...but I do want to say that I'm heading in that direction along with you. For my kids' sake, I'm looking for help, for the first time in my life. Never thought it would come to this.

I hope you find your light, Heather. I'm off searching for mine.

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Blue said...

i've been away from social media for an extended break, including blogs. part of it was because i sorta fell down the rabbit hole myself. i hate going into the abyss. it's never been terminally dangerous, but there were times my mind flitted with thoughts like that. i finally got over my massive resistance to the prospect of taking medication (which was in a lot of ways connected to pride because i didn't want to "need help"-especially of a pharmacological nature) and though it is humbling to admit, i have to confess that it has really helped. SSRIs didn't do anything for me, but Wellbutrin has been remarkable. It's an entirely different class of meds-doesn't have a thing to do with a dopamine and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. apparetntly that is what i needed. that, and a good therapist.

anyway, i'm sorry to know you've been going through it yourself. that's so hard. i hope that things have gotten better since you wrote this post. i'm so grateful for my kids, because in the worst of it, it was them who kept me going, kept me from doing something that would wreck their lives.

i'm sorry about your mom, too. i have no doubt she's aware of your feelings and love for her, despite all the complexity of any relationship. and i'm sure she loves you more than ever. i'm not close to either parent, so i'm not sure how i will feel when mine pass away. there's so much unfinished business still. ♥

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